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Mediterranean breeze warmed my dreams;
cappuccino mornings blended
into Bacardi sunsets.
Tobacco smoulders and I remember-
his name was Cristian Rosas.

Sunset passed. Spirits poured
European measures- unlike tight English twenty-five mil,
relieving the throbs of snow white turned red queen.
The glow led our intoxicated journey. Sambuca fused.
We invaded the dance floor.

yellow lanterns,
blue, red, green
blue,
yellow, red,
green merged with smiles.
Freedom spun me to his arms.

Giggles blushed sunburn. Cristian Rosas
whispered his name.
Fingers caressed my shoulder;
pulses shot down my back.
Lights,
music people blurred
into echoes. His words
a treat richer than coffee. Citrus
perfume infused the heat; hunger took control.
Honey seeped into locked lips.

His wink broke the spell.

Notes flew off key. Samba swayed
a desperate grind of genitals, disgust
erupted in my throat. Honey
tinged saccharin;
backhand met cheek.

On patio furniture I sucked cigarettes.
Cappuccino froth sank with my lust,
imagining Cristian Rosas.
Updated 09/10/10- thank you to the lovely folk in the ladies of lit chatroom hosted by `LadyLincoln and especially to ^GaioumonBatou :heart:

Updated 24/05/10- Thanks to `fllnthblnk, `salshep and ^nycterent, this poem has been stripped bare naked and put back together in hope my prosey ways have been slayed by the secret wannabe poet :) Thank you guys!

Updated 23/05/10- tweaked a few bits which weren't working and probably need to tweak it a little more too.


Okay this poem has been my distraction from script frenzy all week, and it's been frustrating me as I've been going along, hence why the second half is weak, but if I didn't put it up I would be still sat here is a rut with it.

The idea spawned from a friend who is currently stuck in Madrid because of the volcanic ash and the subsquent flight delays. Her facebook said she was giving up waiting for a flight home and instead trying to work out how to find footballer Cristinao Ronaldo so he could live with him in spain. So I wrote this to cheer her up.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2010-10-23
Reality and romance spin an evocative dance in Cristian Rosas by @Beccalicious. ( Featured by Memnalar )
:iconthornyenglishrose:
I like this a lot, but I do think it could be better. A couple of technical things first. In British English, it is 'smouldering' rather than 'smoldering'. Also, there is no such word as 'genaltalia'. I think you mean 'genitalia', which I think may be both too bald and too technical for this poem. It does come at a transition point in terms of the tone, but so far the language has been soft and poetic and somewhat euphemistic. Having said that, it is very difficult to think of words to substitute 'genitalia' that will match the tone of almost any piece. But I'd at least think about it.

This brings me to a general point about language. I think sometimes your word choices could be better. I'd keep the long words to a minimum. In moderation, they can help the poem to feel long and slow and sensual, but too many wordy lines get kind of tangled up in each other and eclipse the narrative.

The third stanza, I think, is lovely; good images, and fairly simple language. Then the following stanza is much weaker by comparison. The first and last sentences - 'Giggles behind me blushed the sunburn' and 'I fell into intensity' - both trip me up; I think both compromise on good grammatical sense in favour of flowery language. That first sentence in particular feels very drawn out. That is not to say that the images are bad; I think if you chopped them down and rearranged them a bit, this poem could work really well.

Already the heady atmosphere of a holiday romance, and the sense of nostalgia, are coming through. With a bit of pruning, I think this piece could be really great.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconkatarthis:
katarthis Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting. So, someone didn't get the man she was imagining and when she saw it wasn't him, she smacked him?

lol. Probably left the bloke wondering what the heck he did wrong. Ah well, things happen. Or don't. But it's pretty neat.
And oh yes, congratulations on netting a DD.

k
Reply
:iconptdahood:
PTDaHood Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2010   Writer
I missed that volcanic ash by a few weeks xD I was in Italy and Greece but left before it myself.

This is...a very beautiful structure. And lovely imagery. A treat richer than coffee; cappuccino froth, sucking cigarettes, European measures, and the uses of honey...

Gah, God, this is beautiful *__*
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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow I love this! I thought the concept was brilliant, and it set such a vivid scene. So original, and captivating.
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:iconchadwood:
chadwood Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2010   Writer
Hello Beccalicious - this was a great read, and I like all of the alcoholic beverage references. I generally like the use of food and drink imagery, because it created a quasi-olfactory response! Well done.
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:iconlonelynightrain:
lonelynightrain Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Wow you did a marvalous job on writing the poem!
All the words just really describe, and show a very detailed theme of the poem!
Marvalous job!
The Lord has blessed you with a wonderful talent, and gift for writing such beautiful poetry!
I hope that you have a great and blessed week, and may the Lord keep you and your family safe! ^_^
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:iconrobenix:
Robenix Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the imagery here. Great job!
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:iconannamaetezuka:
AnnamaeTezuka Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. Great job!
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:iconalecwolfe:
AlecWolfe Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010
Eeee, pulling this to pieces was well worth it. This is wonderful. The rhythm is so easy to read but somehow intense, if that really makes any sense. The colours and the simple descriptions are just what I associate with the Mediterranean and I find I can relate to the persona in this. There is an oddly understandable story here. Great work and congrats on the DD.
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:iconmangaluverxd5:
mangaluverXD5 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010   General Artist
Wow! Nice job! XD!
Reply
:iconnamenotrequired:
namenotrequired Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010  Student Interface Designer
Wow, congrats on the DD hun :D
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2010   Writer
Congrats! I'm really glad to see this one up here, I still love it.
Reply
:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2010
Oh, and one tiny thing: I think it's spelled "saccharin."

:heart:
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2010   Writer
noted and amended!
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:iconladymask:
LadyMask Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2010  Student
This is incredible, and captivating in a way that sweept me up and almost made me forget the world for a moment as I was enveloped in it. So much description and beautifully sensory words, without overpowering the poem or throwing the meaning out of balance. Amazing job.
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You convinced this (wannabe) poet. Nicely done. :heart:
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:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2010   Writer
How passionate. I'm not sure what else to say, but I liked it quite a lot.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2010   Writer
Thank you :D And thank you for the fav!
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner May 25, 2010  Student Writer
This has become a sensual delight :) Very very fine edits in all repects!
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
Thank you :heart:
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010  Student Writer
Ah but of course :)
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:iconravenwolfe0:
Ravenwolfe0 Featured By Owner May 24, 2010
I Like It. There are some points that trip me up. But I am barely a novice when it comes to writing poetry. So I won't presume to even try to match what the others have said at this time. But Thank You I did see the images you wrote.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
What bits are tripping you up? It doesn't matter if you're a novice or someone who has written poetry for 50 years- all opinions are important.
Reply
:iconravenwolfe0:
Ravenwolfe0 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010
Here is one part:

"Giggles blushed sunburn. Cristian Rosas
whispered his name."

Why would he whisper his own name? I would be whispering her name.

Right now that is the only one I found. Long day. Will look at it again when I am fresh. I did not mean to say that it was not good by any means. Please don;t take my comments that way.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010   Writer
It's an arrogance. He wants to get laid and wants himself to be the important part of that. She is just another girl in another club that he can try and win over. Does that make sense?
Reply
:iconravenwolfe0:
Ravenwolfe0 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010
Ah. I see now. If she would give me a chance, I would give her reason to forget all about him and put him in his arrogant place. haha :)
Reply
:iconitti:
Itti Featured By Owner May 24, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I still like this :)
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
Thank you :heart:
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:iconfllnthblnk:
fllnthblnk Featured By Owner May 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, Becca. Just thought I'd stop by and offer my thoughts on this poem.

Okay, so there's a lot of great stuff in here. In fact, the biggest problem was you cramming a little too much into it. I think shrinking a few words back a bit and letting the better ones shine more will do this poem a greater service! Additionally, rethinking some of the enjambments and word choices may help smooth the poem out.

Mediterranean breeze warmed my dreams last night;
bringing me back to those cappuccino mornings falling
late into Bacardi sunsets.
Letting the smouldering tobacco embrace me, I remembered-
his name was Cristian Rosas.


Consider omitting "last night" in the first line since "dreams" already implies the time of day and you already mention "mornings" in the second line. Felt like too much info.

I also didn't like the word choice of "bringing" as it doesn't sound good rhythmically and I felt that perhaps a more specific action word would help convey the message of the opening stanza better ("Mediterranean breeze warmed my dreams, / carried me back to those cappuccino mornings..."). A word like "carried" or something a little more specific than that holds more weight, more connotation than "bringing" and feels more attuned to "embrace" in the penultimate line.

I didn't like the enjambment after "falling"; that word might sound rhythmically better in the next line. Also consider omitting "late" in line three as something more "magical" happens with "falling into Bacardi sunsets" without that extra word there.

There's something inherently un-poetic about line four. It's just too prosy; there's too much hanging off of it. "Letting" just doesn't sound very good here and "embrace me" might be a bit excessive as well. In fact, I wonder if the line becomes more poignant by reducing it to its base element: the tobacco: "Tobacco smouldering, I remembered- / his name was Cristian Rosas."

For clarity, let's take a look at all the suggested edits:

Mediterranean breeze warmed my dreams,
carried me back to those cappuccino mornings
falling into Bacardi sunsets.
Tobacco smouldering, I remembered-
his name was Cristian Rosas.

To me, cutting out some of the excess like this really lets the best parts of the stanza shine. It's tighter and feels much more "poetic."

When sunset passed, the spirits massed in
European measures- unlike tight English twenty-five mil,
relieving the throb of snow white turned red queen. We girls
took advantage letting the glowing lanterns lead the
intoxicated journey. Sambuca fused my throat as we invaded
the dance floor.


Again, this feels too prosy. Why say "When sunset passed..." when you can just outright say "Sunset passed."? Is it necessary to say "letting" or could a hyphen serve as a more poignant substitute? Is it necessary to mention your throat or would just "Sambuca fused" be enough? In my opinion, this stanza could be cut back to something like this:

Sunset passed. The spirits massed in
European measures- unlike tight English twenty-five mil,
relieving the throb of snow white turned red queen. We girls
took advantage- the glowing lanterns lead the
intoxicated journey. Sambuca fused. We invaded
the dance floor.

Also, something remarkable happens with the rhythm here. The shorter segments give off this feel of "the throb" and "the dance floor" which "we invaded." It has a bit more edge and carries the poem forward better, in my opinion!

Lanterns of yellow, blue, red, green
yellow blue red green
merged with smiling faces bouncing
to the rhythm
freedom span me to his arms.


"to the rhythm" is superfluous (I already understand you're on a dance floor). You could cut that out and place "bouncing" before "faces":

Lanterns of yellow, blue, red, green
yellow blue red green
merged with smiling, bouncing faces.
Freedom span me to his arms.

This is tighter. I also wonder if placing an enjambment after "Lanterns of" would be more visually appealing, balancing out the parallelism of the colors:

Lanterns of
yellow, blue, red, green
yellow blue red green
merged with smiling, bouncing faces.
Freedom span me to his arms.

Giggles behind me blushed my sunburn. Cristian Rosas
charmed with intense dark eyes, honey lips pressed into smile,
catching me in dance. In whispers he told me his name.
Fingers stroked soft my shoulder etching slowly; a pulse
shooting down my back. I fell into intensity.


I don't feel "behind me" does much for the poem. Does it matter that much? The line sounds better with that omitted.

"honey lips" makes me cringe a bit. Just felt like a cliché way to describe lips, like you're trying too hard to make his lips poetic. I mean, describing the eyes as "intense" and "dark" isn't exactly screaming originality, but it comes off as matter-of-fact, so it's less noticeable and actually works, in my book. "Honey" draws too much attention to itself, I feel. Maybe rewording it a bit to match how you describe the eyes would be better? Something like: "Cristian Rosas / charmed with intense dark eyes, a smile like honey, / catching me in dance." A simile instead seems a little softer and sounds better. Could just be me, though! :)

"he told me" bothers me. Actually, the "me" in this poem feels too intrusive and I advise reminding the reader of the narrator more sparingly. The way you introduce events would probably be better in such a way where it isn't necessary to state so obviously that the narrator is involved. For instance, we could lend more strength to the actions themselves instead: "He offered his name in whispers." A word like "offered" carries more connotation than "told" and it also gets rid of the lingering ghost of the "me." I suggest you comb through the poem accordingly!

Having both "slowly" and "soft" in the penultimate line here felt redundant. Descriptors like those can generally be replaced with stronger action words. For instance, "etching" doesn't feel very appropriate to what you're trying to describe (it makes me think of "scratching")--it doesn't sound as sensual as the line implies and simply tacking on a word like "slowly" to amend it is equivalent to patching a leaking boat with duct tape. It just won't hold the poem up under the weight, of either scrutiny or the density of the story you're trying to tell. I'm actually also bothered by "stroked" as well as it's just so boring to describe what fingers do that way. "Shooting" in the next line also felt uninspired. I wonder if stripping both lines to something like "Fingers soft along my shoulder; a pulse / down my back." would do more? Shorter bursts like this give off the feel of what's happening better, too. Stuff to mull over, I suppose!

"I fell into intensity." doesn't sit right with me either. In fact, it echoes "intense" from a few lines above a bit too much. I wonder if these four words are needed at all?

The lights, the music, the people- they blurred away
into mere echoes. His words seduced me; a linguistic treat
richer than coffee.
Citrus perfume infused the heat; hunger took control.
Honey seeped into locked lips.


This stanza definitely heads to the direction that the previous parts of the poem struggle to find. The shorter sections work better: "hunger took control."; "Honey seeped into locked lips." It's more poetic. The other parts of this stanza just need to follow suit! For instance, "they blurred away / into mere echoes" could be cut in half: "blurred into echoes." How much more poignant and potent is that? "seduced me" could be cut, the semi-colon metamorphosed accordingly: "His words: a linguistic treat / richer than coffee." Also consider making the semi-colon before "hunger" into just a good ol' period to give "hunger took control" more oomph.

I also wonder if you can do double-duty with "richer than coffee" to help describe the "citrus perfume" as well by placing the enjambment after "perfume" instead of "coffee"?

For clarity:

The lights, the music, the people- blurred
into echoes. His words: a linguistic treat
richer than coffee. Citrus perfume
infused the heat. Hunger took control.
Honey seeped into locked lips.

I also like how you reintroduce the "honey" aspect of the lips here. I just think the first appearance of "honey" in the previous stanza was too obvious.

Thoughts led to sunshine bliss, sweeping off sandy dreams.
A lifetime lusted in my veins, wishing
I would stop in Spain.


To be frank, this stanza was too mushy, too sentimental. "sunshine bliss" was particularly terrible and "sandy dreams" was just too uninspired and "A lifetime lusted in my veins" was too hyperbolic. I feel the only thing worth developing in this stanza is the wishing to stop in Spain. I suggest cutting out the first two lines here and focusing more on the Spain aspect and why that is so important to the poem and how it relates to these two characters. What's so special about Spain exactly and how is it attributed to Cristian Rosas?

Dark eyes perhaps too dark-
Smile perhaps bittersweet.
Cristian Rosas held lust in his palm, mine encapsulated
in his foreign enchantment.
It only took one wink to break the spell.


I'm not too sure of this stanza as well. The opening two lines feel... awkward-sounding, like from an odd fairy tale without the endearing qualities. I seriously can imagine someone like a witch from Snow White beginning a spell with something like "Dark eyes perhaps too dark- / smile perhaps bittersweet" to curse a hapless princess. Just sounds a little silly, these two lines. They don't match the tone of the poem.

"Cristian Rosas held lust in his palm, mine encapsulated / in his foreign enchantment" sounds like something ripped from a bad romance novel. The diction here changes noticeably, too--encapsulated? foreign enchantment? Feels like you've started to write a different poem entirely here!

In fact, I wonder if this stanza is needed at all? The only thing the stanza needed to say, really, was "It only took one wink." Those five words alone were enough to precurse the following stanza and maybe that's all you need to say here instead of all this talk of enchantments and being encapsulated.

Rhythm became off key lacking romantic flair. Samba sways
a desperate rub of genitalia, and the disgust
erupted in my throat with alcoholic overdose.
Honey tinged too much sugar. Sensual faded to sleaze…


Word choice. There's a turn of events here, so I feel you need to amp up the word choices a bit. "became" and "lacking" are extremely passive. Why not something like "staggered off key" or another stronger action word? "Rub" could probably be replaced with something, I don't know... dirtier? Something along the lines of "grind", perhaps? "Genitalia" sounds a bit too technical. "Genitals" is a bit of a dirtier word and it matches the change in tone better. Disgust erupting hits the spot, methinks. "Honey tinged too much sugar" is too wordy for what it wants to say. Why not just say something like "Honey now saccharine"? "Faded" doesn't feel like a harsh enough word to support this change in tone, although I did like the alliteration of "sensual" and "sleaze". I suggest putting a period in, though, just like you have everywhere else.

On patio furniture I sucked cigarettes recalling
that Bacardi sunset cooling with evening breeze.
Cappuccino froth sank with my lust;
imagining Cristian Rosas.


I think the enjambment would serve much better after "cigarettes" instead of "recalling." Ending the line with another verb takes too much power away from "sucked" which I really like.

I also suggest giving "cooling with evening breeze" its own line.

I didn't like the semi-colon after "lust". I think a comma works just fine.


Anyway, there's already a lot of solid stuff in this, especially in the first half. If you can work on the issues of word-choice, omitting excessive words, and improving the little blips of enjambment here and there, this poem would become gold as the honey between those lips!
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
Changes were made, with a bit of your comments, a slice of =nycterent and a dash of =salshep we have a naked poem! :ohnoes:

Let me know what you think of the changes xx
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner May 24, 2010   Writer
I caught this on my iphone and it looked long and scary. Then I get home and look on my netbook and it looks long and scary!

Thanks Will, I really appreciate the effort behind the critique and will be taking it in bites over the next few days! :heart:
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:iconpaperdart:
PaperDart Featured By Owner May 1, 2010   Writer
This is a fantastic flight of fancy. :) I really like the fact that even before we know the story's a daydream, it doesn't seem altogether unrealistic. That suggests a kind of practicality about the daydreamer that I rather appreciate.

The imagery with different drinks throughout the story was also really great. :thumbsup:
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts. I have stripped it a bit naked now, so it has changed a bit! Hope you like the changes. :hug:
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:iconpaperdart:
PaperDart Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
Ooh, yes. Much sleeker, now!

Is "sacchrine" a typo?

:+fav:
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:iconitti:
Itti Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the way the poem leads you through a fantastic and whimsical ideal and then brings you back to earth with the bitter disgust of reality... the word "disgust" makes me think of the narrator being disgusted with themselves for falling for the dream.

I like the contrast of cappucino mornings and Bacardi sunsets too. Some nice word choices throughout.

Typo halfway through:
In whispers he told me his name.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
Thank you as always. I'm sorry I am late in my thanks lol. I need to break this habit and reply to comments!

It's been stripped lately, I hope you like the changes.
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:iconmode-de-vie:
mode-de-vie Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010  Student Writer
The setting you've described is it's own little world, this narrator's perception of the events and scenery. It's striking, passionate, mysterious. Beautiful work.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010   Writer
Thank you very much, and for the fav too! :heart:
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:iconmode-de-vie:
mode-de-vie Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010  Student Writer
You're welcome. :heart:
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:iconhyougen:
Hyougen Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
"In whispers his told me his name."
He told?

I love it. You seem to love the - lines. They bother me.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010   Writer
Should it be 'spoke' do you think? I'm think I started thinking of song lyrics when I was coming to these kind of lines!
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:iconhyougen:
Hyougen Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
That does sound better to me. My original point was the "his told", though, so fix the pronoun too. ?
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
What do you think now? :p
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:iconhyougen:
Hyougen Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
"yellow, blue, red, green
yellow blue, red, green
"
Missed a comma there. :P

I can't remember the old version word to word but I think it's better than the last time I read it. More concise and less blathering and I still love it.
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:iconsomnomollior:
somnomollior Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010   Writer
I love how it carried me away at the beginning only to leave me in the dust and dirt of reality at the end. Full of seduction just like its subject.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010   Writer
Thank you very much :)
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
Were I to receive gifts like this as a result, I'd gladly be stuck in enforced layover.

This is a skirling, heady world unto itself. I don't have any critique.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010   Writer
Thank you Jay. :heart:
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010
:hug:

I'm sorry I don't comment more often, and I'm not much of a critic, but I always enjoy your work when I find my way here.
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:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010   Writer
:heart:
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010
:heart: You've done some great things on this since last I looked in.
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