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Submitted on
January 19, 2013
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Recipe for Writing a Novel

Serves: 1. If you’re J K Rowling, billions.

Ingredients

- 1 Tin standard cat food
- 1 Laptop/Computer
- 250g cat biscuits
- Paper
- 5 Pens, various colours.
- 1 stuffed cat toy with bell
- 1 pouch slightly fussier cat food
- 1 sachet gourmet cat food
- 1 bottle of wine, red or white
- 1 Wine glass (Large)
- 1 300g Tin of tuna

Cooking time: 2-5 years

Preparation


(Preparation time approximately 10-60 minutes depending on condition of desk and computer speed)

1. Clear space on desk. If you do not have respective space for junk, throw on floor. Place paper and pens in clear space.

2. Turn on computer and allow 10 minutes for slow loading time. Add 2-3 sighs as windows update informs to restart computer. Restart computer and allow a further 10 minutes.

3. Once computer is ready, open up new document.

  

Cooking

1. Begin with your plot. Open internet to several pages, use pens and paper to mix results into a basic plot.

2. Ignore cat entering the catflap.

3. Devise main character. Make sure his / her / its name is original (not Harry, Frodo, Darcy, Alice, Edward, Bella, Mr Gray, Tigger, Pooh or Piglet), so that he / she / it will be uniquely endeared to your readers and the world. Add hair colour to taste.

4. Open tin of cat food and place on floor. Ignore unimpressed cat and return to desk.

5. Devise secondary characters.

6. Ignore leg rubbing from purring cat.

7. Pick cat up and give a short amount of attention before placing on the floor.

8. Throw away rejected standard cat food. Pour in 200g of dried cat biscuits. Cat will look threatening “If you feed me that crap I’ll go throw it up on your bed later”. Remove biscuits and replace with slightly fussier cat food. Return to desk.

9. You should now be ready to make use of word processor. Ensure keyboard is connected. Carefully write opening paragraph, folding in creative adjectives.

10. Turn 180 degrees to see cat has found the stuffed toy with bell. Admire his cute forte and allow 10 minutes to play with him. Cat will eventually lose interest and walk away. Return to desk.

11. Use notes made in step 1 to start first chapter. Add main character.

12. Throw away slightly fussier cat food and replace with gourmet cat food. Watch cat’s suspicion as he sniffs his bowl and allow rejoice when he starts to eat. Return to desk.

13. Repeat step 11. Your first chapter should now have been completed. Do not overcook. 

14. Cat will leap up on desk. Remove cat from desk. 

15. Repeat step fourteen.

16. Repeat step fourteen.

17. Take note that during cat’s desk adventure he has managed to shut down document. This recipe did not remind to save work at regular intervals; therefore entire chapter is lost. Add swearing to taste.

18. Turn off computer. Pour large glass of wine and slump on sofa. It’s too late to cook dinner, use the tin of tuna. Be joined on sofa by hungry looking cat that will eat the tuna. Drink wine and turn on television.

19. By this point, cat will have fallen asleep. Sofa will stink of tuna. Give up writing epic novel for another day. Blame cat.

I was playing with my deviant storage earlier and found this piece from 2007 which made me smile. Cue cutting it down from 2000 words to just 559 and rewriting it to make it sound more like a recipe, I hope you find it funny.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-02-24
From the suggester:"Anyone who's ever tried to juggle novel-writing with cat ownership will be able to relate" to Gourmet Novel Recipe by ^Beccalicious. ( Suggested by DamonWakes and Featured by neurotype )
:iconberylalexandros:
BerylAlexandros Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2014
:)
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013
:blackrose: Your excellent prose has been featured here: fav.me/d6nss4z
Reply
:iconaphid777:
aphid777 Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
This is just brilliant :D
Reply
:iconmusclepumpin2:
Musclepumpin2 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013  Student General Artist
haha fab :p
Reply
:iconnounou22:
nounou22 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013
Amazing! "blame cat" is the best part :laughing:
Cats are huge attention seekers, they want to be the protagonists of every story=D
Reply
:icondasherella:
dasherella Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh this is fantastic! :) Love it!!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013   Writer
:lmao:
My kid has four rescue cats, only one of which I 'know' well, the oldest. That cat always knows me too, no matter how long we've been separate. I can't enter my kid's place without first greeting that cat, with his huge Maine-Coon-type self appearing from nowhere, his tail at that "happy tail" hello. The others all look alike to me, but they get friendly too. Your piece reminds me how fussy and wonderful cats can be, (and to hit "save" on the 'puter when I write at my kid's place). You made it funny and to the point. Succinct. Thank you. :+fav:
Reply
:iconpitterpaws:
pitterpaws Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
The truth in this. My cat instead types them for me when i get, i come back to
"blablah acndycggdfugdfsbsdfydbd ynd"
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Sounds like an award winning novel to me :D
Reply
:iconpitterpaws:
pitterpaws Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Totally xD I had to write something for school once, and my cat wrote for me and i didn't notice and when i got it back, the teacher had marked it and said " I'm assuming you own a cat"
Reply
:iconsilverspark23:
SilverSpark23 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
Ha ha! Love this, except I don't have a cat/s!
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
:clap: Well done with the salvage of this piece long forgotten till now, Becca-girl, -- and congratulations! :heart:

Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you Jade :heart:
Reply
:iconsimple-minds:
simple-minds Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist
Repeat fourteen. :lol:
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
And then some more!
Reply
:iconhiland-rose:
Hiland-Rose Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Highly amusing. I would have to replace cat with toddler daughter, but the results wouldn't be much different! LOL
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Yes, I am discovering Baby is a new one!
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
Except the sofa will stink of something other than tuna. :giggle:
Reply
:iconhiland-rose:
Hiland-Rose Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
True... ;)
Reply
:iconlupina24:
Lupina24 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You nailed both the cat owner and novelist dilemma and lifestyle. Well done.
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconrema-alkhany:
Rema-Alkhany Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013
Very nice Text.Thanks
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconmalinaithil:
MalinaIthil Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
This is quite good - but in my novel rcipe I prefer dog to cat ;)
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconel-jimmeister:
el-Jimmeister Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I was hoping for an actual guide to writing a novel. Anyway, this made me laugh. :D
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Apologies, there are a good few out there though :D
Reply
:iconel-jimmeister:
el-Jimmeister Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's all right. You have a good sense of humor, though! Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconsierrasweet:
SierraSweet Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Times this by three. . .
My three cats are so temperamental!
Why did I have to get three girls?
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
My parents have 2 girls from the same litter and they cause mayhem :D
Reply
:iconowl-flight:
Owl-Flight Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
was in a chat room once and left my comp.
Cat fell asleep on number pad

0.

0.0

.0
00
.
0.0
and so on, for hours, everyone else had to leave the chat
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Sounds about right :D
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013
:rofl:
Reply
:iconowl-flight:
Owl-Flight Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
they mostly looked like faces so my friends thought I was trolling XD
Reply
:iconfeanor-the-dragon:
Feanor-the-Dragon Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hahaha! Every bit of this is so true!
...Well... I have a dog... not a cat. But she's a min-pin and a spoiled little attention loving thing of a lapdog :XD: so she makes up for it.
...I also don't drink though...
Aaaanywho, Wonderful writing! I love this recipe!
Congrats on the DD! You earned it!
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconfeanor-the-dragon:
Feanor-the-Dragon Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome. :D
Reply
:iconx-dragonsoul-x:
x-DragonSoul-x Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wonderful. Sums up my life! Except I have no cat. This is a strange realization. o_O
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Mwhaha
Reply
:iconroskvape:
Roskvape Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
LOL! Cats do add a certain challenge to the usual writing challenges. Except my cat involves less food pickiness and more lap-conquering, and the occasional attempt to slash my wrists. Why, kitty? Why you so cruel?! :tears:

;)
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Because they know you will give into their needs!
Reply
:iconroskvape:
Roskvape Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Darn them knowing this! :iconpussinbootsplz:
Reply
:iconkitamikichi:
KitaMikichi Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student General Artist
Cute. XD
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
:)
Reply
:iconpursuingthecerberus:
PursuingTheCerberus Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Writer
absolutely brilliant! I have a cat and couldn't stop smiling at this....
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you :bucktooth:
Reply
:iconjames--steele:
James--Steele Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, lack of cats makes for easy writing. :evillaugh:
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013   Writer
You can replace cats with babies or grandmothers.
Reply
:iconjames--steele:
James--Steele Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Still neither. :dance:
Reply
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