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Literature Text
We set aside a time, one hour for a meeting;
our search for a room hindered by our search
for the solution.
Can we set aside a day
for creation and have a canvas we can all paint on
at the same time in the same room
and order ice cream or chip-shop chips
whilst we make our master design?
Then do you think we can turn our idea
into a real life innovation?
Or do we continue to scavenge old buildings
for neglected conference rooms once
booked by occupants no longer present. Do
we panic about the problem and confirm
we are in shit before we've truly understood
the colour, depth, and complexity of the shit?
Do you think we could stick to our plans and
do what we say we will do when we do it? We
go home on time and drink gin-and-tonic in
a local beer garden, enjoying the warm sun instead
of an overheated, over-exhausted office.
our search for a room hindered by our search
for the solution.
Can we set aside a day
for creation and have a canvas we can all paint on
at the same time in the same room
and order ice cream or chip-shop chips
whilst we make our master design?
Then do you think we can turn our idea
into a real life innovation?
Or do we continue to scavenge old buildings
for neglected conference rooms once
booked by occupants no longer present. Do
we panic about the problem and confirm
we are in shit before we've truly understood
the colour, depth, and complexity of the shit?
Do you think we could stick to our plans and
do what we say we will do when we do it? We
go home on time and drink gin-and-tonic in
a local beer garden, enjoying the warm sun instead
of an overheated, over-exhausted office.
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Overall Vision
Originality Technique ImpactHi, I saw in your journal that you want critiques on this poem. I shall do my best.
The first two stanzas are the strongest and most conceptually clear to me. You are saying that the overly scheduled, overly goal-oriented, fast-paced nature of the workplace, and sometimes of society itself, is not only draining to the individual but ultimately counterproductive.
The beginning of the third stanza gives me this image of a corporate meeting happening in some dilapidated abandoned building. Perhaps you do intend to convey some sense of decay, but personally that seems at odds which what feels to me like a modern and materialistic problem. I mean, maybe if meetings were held in such settings it would at least be mentally stimulating enough to get some results. I think that instead what you intend is to highlight the staleness of the whole situation, the fact that we are repeating processes that have been done hundreds of times before. The second half of the third stanza is much more compelling.
The fourth stanza seems almost to introduce a new topic - the lack of follow-through and the fact that for most people, their interest in the workplace ends when they get in their car to drive home. I like it, and I think it does relate because if work were more creative and stimulating people probably wouldn't mind carrying it with them, but I feel like within the poem it is not directly linked to the fundamental problem with our problem-solving technique. It actually feels slightly critical of people who leave work at the workplace, rather than critical of the working conditions which make that the only healthy way to live.
So, I think that I do understand the point(s) that this poem is making (and if I'm way off, this critique may not be very useful) but for me it sometimes took a bit of interpreting - "Well, she probably doesn't mean this, so that line probably means that." Overall, I enjoyed reading it as is, but if you do a rewrite I would focus on the clarity of your message. I think the style is appropriate, a good mix of matter-of-fact and lyrical. It is also a good length for a poem of this nature, enough to sink your teeth into and really feel engaged, but not so long as to deter a reader or give one's attention the opportunity to wander off during reading.