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We never notice.
Our 
alarm doesn't ring, it sings
Pharell beating our mornings
'til we remove from our snooze. We
forgot the tink-tinker or
bleep-fuck-bleeper
and emerge the same.

The same commute to work:
Heads sunk, tired eyes drunk by
thumb movements. Our ears dumb
locked into a Will-I-Am trance. Not
a glance of the changing scenes; 
the only birds we see are angry.

The same office echoes with
tip-tip-tip-tapping
of emails blaming others and smack-talking.
instead of actual talking. We fall for
the hype of Skype and only Siri’s
voice drones narrow answers
we accept as truth.  

The same playground, huddled corners;
Children pick a blackberry instead of 
picking blackberries, for their late-night
Facebook fights. Words will always hurt see:
no kids to hit with sticks and stones. Unless
there’s an app for it.

What do we do when stop?

Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your
doublethink and we all cling to 
the belief we're better than this
before checking our smart
phones one more time.


Updated 04/06/14- I tried to get a bit more rhythm and spoken sound into this and neaten up some of the roughness. Be interesting to see what people think now :)

____________________________________________

I've not poem'ed in a while, but this has been what I've been playing with tonight. It's very rusty and needs some help if anyone is interested.

Thoughts would be welcome, and as this is edging towards a spoken word piece some help in getting that internal performance rhythm working would really help. Do the references work and should there be more/less? What's really not working here? 


Original poem

We barely notice it

alarm doesn't ring, it sings
Pharell pumping our mornings 
till we remove from our snooze. We 
forgot the tink-tinker or 
bleep-fuck-bleeper 
and emerge the same.


Commute to work, the chat's dead.
All heads sunk 
with tired eyes drunk by thumb movements. 
Our ears locked into Will-I-Am pumping it
numbing our brains. No glances 
of the world driven by; 
the only birds seen are angry.


The office echoes with tip-tapping
of emails blaming others and
Instead of talking things through- 
only siri's voice drones. Children pick 
a blackberry instead of 
picking blackberries, for their late-night
facebook fights

Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your
doublethink and we all cling to 
the belief we're better than this
before checking our smart
phones one more time. 
;

Add a Comment:
 
:icontlrlscl:
The flow of this is just great. The "tip-tapping" and the "tink-tinker" as well as the sporadic rhymes keep a sort of off-beat tempo—which fits this piece very nicely.
The major thing which catches one's attention is the abundance of creatively incorporated references to the fads of today, from hit music to popular apps and technology. But then you reach the last stanza and find a dichotomous reference to something definitely not modern: Orwell's "1984." And that leaves the reader with a perfect, full-circle ending to wrap up the superbly crafted piece.
The subject, a reflection on modern society, is not a new one, but the delivery is very unique and very powerful. Every word carries an impact within the piece, not one out of place.
Overall, "Twenty Ten Four" is an entertaining, poignant, and evocative take on a scene that many people are familiar with in the year 2014.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:icongreyroseofhope:
I was able to pick up on the voice of the author, the one reading the poem, after the first stanza. It sounded to me like a sardonic, tired voice. Almost as if the writer/speaker knew what was wrong, but also knew that they couldn't do anything to change it. I love the way you integrated those names; "Pharrel", "Will I Am", "Orwell". There are quite a few references to how technology helps and harms, from alarm clocks to Facebook fights.

Moving on to the title of this piece. It really struck me, not only for the year that it represents, but also for the alternative meaning behind it. A common police saying I've heard before in various movies and books is, "10-4". The meaning behind this Ten-code saying is simply a way to say "message received". And the author's message has been received, loud and crystal clear.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icontommyboywood:
tommyboywood Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Till is 'til, ap is app.  Details do matter. :)
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2014   Writer
Noted and amended, thanks :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014   General Artist
brilliant! :love:
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014   Writer
Thank you very much :D
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Student Writer
I must say that I was much too overeager to read this poem! Typically, even our contemporary poetry strays away from the current times. Oddly, I like to read about the technological world we live in and how it is bringing about our ruination.

The entire mood throughout the poem seems to be relateable. At first it seems superficial; I get a sort of "it is what it is" vibe, yet as I read further into it I caught the innuendos: references to Orwell's work. 

"Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your..."


The way the first sentence runs into the latter seems off. I think that a comma or maybe the addition of "it" before "took". 

There seems to be a slight repetition, not anaphora in the first two stanzas:

Stanza I
"...alarm doesn't ring, it sings

Pharell pumping our mornings..."


Stanza II

"Our ears locked into Will-I-Am pumping it
numbing our brains..."


I would recommend just using a synonym - a conventional anecdote. 

Stanza III
"
Children pick 
a blackberry instead of 
picking blackberries, for their late-night
facebook fights"


A think that period at the end of "fights" is needed. Do you intend for the children to be picking AT their blackberry (the phone?) rather than pick A blackberry, it would make the allusion stand out more.

I love this line: "...
the only birds seen are angry." :love:

Twenty Ten Four (a reference to Orwell's Nineteen Eighty Four?) is a clever title. I hope that you found my cursory critique satisfactory and/or somewhat helpful! I love your literature and I was glad to pick at this poem! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014   Writer
I never object to cursory critiques, especially when you've hit some good points so I really appreciate it :hug:

The "pumping" in both refers to songs both artists have had as well as the sound/movement- does that make sense?
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much. I understand the "pumping" reference now that you point it out. I just found the repetition to be slightly distracting when I read it originally. :heart:
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014   Writer
Had a bit of an update :)
Reply
:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Student Writer
This is a good poem for one who has not poem'ed for a while! :P 

I like it. I really do. To me, this is a really good slam poem with a few parts to iron out and I am more than positive the wonderful people here will be able to more than help you with that. :) 

The whole concept, the references, the modern day apocalyptic email system -- all of it. I connect to this. Thank you. :clap: 
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014   Writer
Thank you for your lovely- reassuring- comments!  I know it needs ironing, I just need a focused session to really obliterate it, I didn't intend it to be a slam poem so now we've established that it needs molding more appropriately. :)
Reply
:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Student Writer
My pleasure, as always. :) 

Once you do. . . please let me know. I would love to read the edits. 

Oh, and that;s fine. I was just letting you know I personally think it could be a good. 
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Student Writer
I'll read it a few more times, and then I'll critique it when I read it again tomorrow.
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner May 22, 2014   Writer
Much appreciated, this certainly needs some ironing but I kind of need a nudge!
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Student Writer
i'm sorry i haven't done it yet; i've had a busy weekend. tomorrow, definitely.
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014   Writer
Haha no worries, I always take my time but get there eventually!
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014  Student Writer
Haha, you're better than I am. Sometimes I never get there. :O
Reply
:iconlabruyere:
LaBruyere Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Student Writer
Excellent. I also especially like the blackberry metaphor. And I wholeheartedly agree--especially about the emails blaming one another. An excellent portrayal of what all this has done to us.
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner May 22, 2014   Writer
Interesting another person says below they're not keen on the blackberry reference. The email part is a personal bugbear of mine!
Reply
:icononedreamonemoon:
OneDreamOneMoon Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Rough or not, the references are impressive
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner May 22, 2014   Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconwordeea:
Wordeea Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
well it flows nicely ;p
(sorry couldn't resist)

sad truth, uh ?

i particularly like "the only birds seen are angry." and "with tired eyes drunk by thumb movements. "

i like this less:

"Children pick
a blackberry instead of 
picking blackberries
"

i find that one, rather easy, even if it does flow well ( not beeing cheeky :) ) on the tongue, kinda like a slam. well the  whole thing is very slam-like, come to think of it.
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner May 22, 2014   Writer
Haha I knew the flow thing would bite me when I posted! I was thinking it does sound a little slam-ish and that might help refine it for me! Thank you :)
Reply
:iconwordeea:
Wordeea Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
of course ! :)
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
i'll fav it now, anticipating that all
edits will be good ones... ;)
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014   Writer
Edits are done :)
Reply
:iconbeccajs:
BeccaJS Featured By Owner May 22, 2014   Writer
Thank you very much :)
Reply
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May 20, 2014
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