Deviation Actions
Daily Deviation
Literature Text
We never notice.
Our alarm doesn't ring, it sings
Pharell beating our mornings
'til we remove from our snooze. We
forgot the tink-tinker or
bleep-fuck-bleeper
and emerge the same.
The same commute to work:
Heads sunk, tired eyes drunk by
thumb movements. Our ears dumb
locked into a Will-I-Am trance. Not
a glance of the changing scenes;
the only birds we see are angry.
The same office echoes with
tip-tip-tip-tapping
of emails blaming others and smack-talking.
instead of actual talking. We fall for
the hype of Skype and only Siri’s
voice drones narrow answers
we accept as truth.
The same playground, huddled corners;
Children pick a blackberry instead of
picking blackberries, for their late-night
Facebook fights. Words will always hurt see:
no kids to hit with sticks and stones. Unless
there’s an app for it.
What do we do when stop?
Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your
doublethink and we all cling to
the belief we're better than this
before checking our smart
phones one more time.
letters on leaving.
Depression (in Eight Parts)
It's been four years
____________________________________________
I've not poem'ed in a while, but this has been what I've been playing with tonight. It's very rusty and needs some help if anyone is interested.
Thoughts would be welcome, and as this is edging towards a spoken word piece some help in getting that internal performance rhythm working would really help. Do the references work and should there be more/less? What's really not working here?
Original poem
We barely notice it
alarm doesn't ring, it sings
Pharell pumping our mornings
till we remove from our snooze. We
forgot the tink-tinker or
bleep-fuck-bleeper
and emerge the same.
Commute to work, the chat's dead.
All heads sunk
with tired eyes drunk by thumb movements.
Our ears locked into Will-I-Am pumping it
numbing our brains. No glances
of the world driven by;
the only birds seen are angry.
The office echoes with tip-tapping
of emails blaming others and
Instead of talking things through-
only siri's voice drones. Children pick
a blackberry instead of
picking blackberries, for their late-night
facebook fights
Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your
doublethink and we all cling to
the belief we're better than this
before checking our smart
phones one more time. ;
Overall Vision
Originality Technique
ImpactHey there,
Prettyflour here on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/p/o/p…" alt="
" title="PoeticalCondition" /> with the critique you requested.Oh yes, this has a cadence totally worthy of a spoken word piece. I read it twice- once silently and one aloud and I have to day…this poem deserves to read out loud- it has such power to it- especially the tip-tip-tip-tapping and tink-tinker. It’s got great flow!
I love the references to technology, and how it sucks the life out of us. Maybe it’s because I am hopelessly addicted to my smart phone (yes, I’ll admit it), and so are a massive amount of others. It’s a subject matter that’s certainly not new but you tackled it in a unique way. I think it’s all working.
My humble two cents. Thanks for sharing your words!